The golden year
so much promise
so many plans
We stood there anxiously anticipating it
The year of weddings, anniversaries, and
Large birthday celebrations. Milestones like
Graduations and finally reuniting with
Extended family. Every eye was plastered on
The TV screen watching the countdown that
Would ring in the New Year.
Every arm was
Linked with a loved one’s.
This was one of the few moments in life
Where time slows down and you’re completely
Immersed in the present. Until…
Happy New Year!
Cheerful screams and the sound of glass clinking
fills the room. Little did we know, that was the only
golden moment we would have that year.
The year was full of fear and anguish,
my father in the hospital fighting for his life
he could barely breathe and none could visit
I fell asleep many nights wondering if my
sister and I would have to plan a funeral soon.
Every day the numbers would rise.
Higher and higher, it was a never ending
pandemonium. Our homes became our
prisons and we became more aware of our mortality. Our homes were prisons,
but they could turn into our tombs. The thought on everyone’s mind was, why did this happen?
2020 was supposed to be our
Succor and Security
Mother, Coo Us
To bed and thus
I rest my head
My thoughts are aimless
But they always return
To my carcass
Usually in a bed In my house or
Mother, take away this
Pain and anxiety.
Take the intrusive thoughts
Away from us. Give us
Whatever we need to
Make it all okay
We take benzos and SSRIs
And hope for relief
Why can’t we imagine
Something other than death
we want to let go of this fear
My body shakes uncontrollably
From one side to another
The more I tense up,
The worse it gets
Like a boa constricting itself
Around my body, gripping me
Tighter each time I struggle
My father sees me
As lesser, undesirable, ugly
I’m out of this world
But not in a good way
Since it’s not your ideal, law-abiding,
white, and pure world.
Mine is darker because of the
Expectations of your world. You saw
That my color was getting diluted and
Couldn’t handle it. You taught me
White was right but I wanted to explore
Blues, purples, pinks, and greens.
You tell me you love me
Out of obligation
Nothing I do is right
Maybe I should give up
Unholy, un-worthy, un-loving,
Tell me how to act
Tell me when to breathe
Tell me how incredible everything could be
If only I were perfect
If only you could see
Beautiful as could be
Not because of you
But because of me
I’m not perfect
You say I’m stained by all the colors
But this ink is ornamental décor
Incandescent to show how I’ve
Transcended from your ideas
I’m not clean
Smart, believe it or not. Even
If I disagree with you, it doesn’t mean
That I can’t think for myself. You call
Yourself a free thinker but you stay in
The same close-minded box you’ve
Been in since I was small
Love me as I am
Or leave me alone
Either way, I’ll be just fine
I won’t die
I’ll live, not just survive
I’ll show you that without you I can thrive.
Ode to my Peppermint Hot Cocoa
a cross between water and spear
who thought to throw milk
and chocolate into the mix?
That minty cool
gives me a little pick-me-up
reminds me how long it’s been
since I’ve brushed my teeth
because of you, I can let out
a clean breath
You bring me Christmas in Spring
the faux festive cheer brings me
the serotonin I need
I can forget all my worries
if just for a moment
As I stir your richness, I ponder
how the tiniest things are the ones
that keep us alive.
Oh, peppermint hot cocoa
you are the sweetest way to cope
with life’s sourness and people’s saltiness.
Now, I am awake
Years ago I would have fallen
Given up and succumbed to the pain
I lived with every day
I didn’t know how to wake up then
I didn’t know that dreams could be free
I didn’t know how to escape my agony
Stay longer in that state.
There, you have control
you can dream and realize
I won’t be taken in.
Here in this dreamscape, anything
can happen. Its all in my control
My dreams are my reality
and my life awaits…
4 Families Divided
Spare me the hatred
Give me relief
I’d rather be tossed aside and forgotten
than deal with the insufferable complaints,
judgements, suggestions, and conversations.
Spare me the awful evening
Give me a restful night
Leave me alone and get out of my sight.
I couldn’t contain myself once I saw you
hiss and bear your fangs. Slither away,
far, far away where I’ll never have to
endure your venomous ways.
Spare me the wretched wedding
Give me the joyful reception
Please wait until tomorrow
to give your opinions. Let there be
peace today and war tomorrow.
At least then, I’ll be on my honeymoon.
Spare me the tasteless dinners
Give me a scrumptious meal
One that I’ll never forget,
Maybe then I’ll answer your
visitation requests. I don’t just
let anyone in, you have to show me
that you’re worthy
Don’t You Dare
Touch me, lay a hand on me.
My body is a beautiful landscape.
Sacred springs, mountains, and
green pastures. I’m a magnificent
being, I can thrust life forth and
beckon those who place themselves
beneath me to do my bidding.
Don’t you dare try to take my power
away. It’s something intrinsic yet
mysterious. People like you have
always wanted to claim this power
as your own, but only the chosen
can wield it. Threaten me and I
will crush you.
Don’t you dare come for something that you don’t deserve.
It could be a song or a game
but my best ideas
appear while I’m in the shower.
Cool, crystalline droplets envelop
my body and I let them tempt
me in. All I have to do is close
my eyes and doors open to other
universes and dimensions.
Words swarm in based on
memories, experiences, and dreams.
Everything mixes together and screams
to be written. Take a blank page and
make it your literary canvas.
Spread the words that the water
gave you and be grateful. It’s hard
to find motivation these days.
Lies in the heart
not on the body
it’s that sense of safety and respect from
others, especially men.
Not feeling their lewd gaze
upon you and the fear
that their unspeakable
fantasies become reality.
Someone may try to control you
by telling you lies
like, no one will believe you
no one will hear you
you can’t run and there’s
no where to hide so
you may as well give in.
They’ll hurt you
then say it’s your fault
they’ll use and abuse you
but when you look in the mirror
at your ghastly appearance,
you hear their voice saying
it was because of you
you wanted this
you wanted me
Leave invisible marks on your body
unseen by others, but always felt by you
they’re like an involuntary tattoo
that someone forcefully inked as
you kicked and screamed you thought that surely others could see
but they were painted with invisible ink
Even if society
tries to fill you with the lie
that something has
been taken from you
that you’re not valuable
that you’re not any good anymore
that you must bear the consequences
Don’t let those thoughts ruin you.
Remember, no one can take it
because it lies deep within
where no one can harm you
and you’re the one in control.